Sorry haven't updated in a few days! And apologies if there's any typos there probably is, I've done this on the iPad :) hope its not getting boring x
I think maybe part of me wanted to be pregnant because no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I wasn't something else seemed to fight harder against the concept. "Karen are you okay?" chris called in from the other side of the door I could tell he had his cheek pressed up against the door, I quickly washed my hands and wiped away the few tears that had sprung to my eyes,took a deep breath and opened the door.
"yeah I'm fine are you nearly ready to go?" I asked.
"yep.. Are you sure you're okay?" he said, he could clearly see that something wasn't right and I wasn't a very good actor when it came to covering things up.
"I'm fine honestly stop fretting will you? I just need to re do my hair then we can go" I said gently pushing past him giving him a false smile on my way to the bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the hair band from my head tugging as gently as I could. A tear rolled down my cheek, everything was getting to me as I ought about what was going to happen, or not happen, the whole thing just confused me more than anything else. Chris came and sat behind me as I sat taking deep breaths trying to calm myself down, I knew he could tell something was wrong but I still felt too reluctant to tell him. He wrapped his arms around my hips almost and rested his chin on my shoulder.
"I know there's something bothering you sweetheart" he said almost in a whisper.
"I don't want to talk about it... Sorry i just can't tell you yet," I said a little teary and I think my voice was trembling a bit.
"as long as you're sure... I'm not going to force it out of you if you don't want" he said.
"thank you chris, but I'll be fine I promise, and you'll find out soon I can promise you that too" I said smiling slightly.
"there's that smile I love!" he said nuzzling my ear and then kissing my lips passionately.
"I love you," I whispered, looking into his eyes.
***
"Jayne can I tell you something?" I asked at the first chance I got, chris had gone to get us all a Starbucks and me and Jayne were just sitting on the bench next to the rink for a mini break,with our blackberries.
"of course honey,anything"
"promise not to tell chris?"
"yep go ahead"
"I think I'm pregnant" I just came out with it quickly because I couldn't keep it to myself much longer, I just physically couldn't.
"what? How?"
"Jayne you're over 50 do I really have to tell you how this works...?"
"no I know that much, I mean what about the contraception?"
"I kind of forgot to take it for a few days because I run out and didn't have time to pick them up, and well I wasn't really thinking about that in the moment did I?!"
"well no I suppose not... Is this definate then?"
"I took a test this morning"
"aw well congratulations sweetie! Now we can do this together, who would've thought eh?" Jayne said giggling but the expression on my own face hadn't changed. "what's wrong honey?"
"I don't know I just... I don't know if this is what I want? And I can't bring myself to tell chris, we had a conversation a few weeks ago when I'd realised I could be and he seemed pretty excited about it but I dont know I'm not sure. I mean being pregnant at 50 isn't as easy as when youre 20 is it?" I pointed out.
"you don't worry about that though, tonnes of people still get pregnant at this age more than you think, it doesn't matter because at the end you'll have the cutest tiny baby" Jayne explained.
"I know I know I've done it all before I'm not sure I'd manage it all now" I admitted, but I didn't want to put her off.
"have you booked an ultrasound yet?"
"no... I only took the test this morning, literally before we left, I managed to without chris noticing what I was doing, he knows that something isn't right though, he knows me far too well"
"speak of the devil" Jayne said turning to see chris coming down with 3 cups of coffee. "you're going to be fine Karen, whatever happens. We can do this together can't we?" she smiled supportively as I had done for her before.
"Well hello there ladies you looked very deep in conversation" he said passing us a cup each and sitting in between us budging us apart so he could squeeze in.
"just the usual gossip you know" Jayne answered giggling and smiling in my direction.
***
I'd never been so relieved in my life. When that doctor looked me in the eye and said "no, you're not pregnant, there's no baby in there" I never thought i'd ever be pleased to hear those words, not ever. It was just a relief to know it was a false alarm, that I wouldn't have to worry about going through the pains of pregnancy and birth all over again 30 years later, and the hassle of bringing up a child when you're full on with work... If I had been pregnant it would have been wonderful of course and we would have found a way around it all, and it would have been amazing, but it was more of a relief, and I wasnt going to have to tell chris either!
It must have only been a few days after I found out I wasn't with child that Jayne had finally got a space to have her scan. She was 4 almost 5 months, a bit further along than she thought, but the good news was that the baby was perfectly healthy. She didn't want to find out what she was having, she'd love it either way and wanted to find out in the moment. She was so excited when she came down to the rink afterwards, I don't think I've ever seen her so happy. She still wanted to skate just as much she didn't want to stop, me and Chris kept having to remind her that she needed to take it a little easier. This meant I got to do more lifts with Chris which I was secretly very, very happy about, I'd never spent so much time with him on the ice before.
We became closer if that was possible, just by doing more ice lifts, I didn't really realise how much of an effect it would have on our relationship together, we had a few more arguments when I wasn't doing it right just as him and Jayne quite often did but it was only natural and it was never anything major, we were both over it and getting along again within an hour at the most.
A few more weeks along the line the show was really coming together finally, me and Chris had a few routines up our sleeves to perform on the first few weeks to replace him and Jayne, I was really quite excited but nervous at the same time, I'd never performed on tv, I'd done the Ice Party a few years back but the audience was tiny. It was a good kind of nervous and I knew I'd get over it before long and really enjoy it, in the mean time I had Chris to convince me it'd be okay which he was excellent at doing, he knew exactly how to cheer me up, always.
It was nearly time to break up for a few weeks for Christmas when we'd have 2 weeks off, and all the celebrities were feeling the pressure, they knew there wasn't much time left to rehearse and practise their routines, in just over a month's time they would all be performing on national television and the competition would truly begin, everyone was starting to become that little bit more competitive about what they were doing and we could tell in training, they'd all improved so much and the standard was amazing and there was still about a month left of training to go, it was going to be a close competition.
Jayne had started collecting every pregnancy and baby book or magazine she stumbled across, she came into the rink every day because she didn't want to leave us, or be on her own at home, so she'd bring them in every day and when she couldn't really help much she'd sit at the side and read them all cover to cover until she knew everything and could practically recite the whole magazine if someone would have asked her to.
Her pregnancy was going really smoothly and she didn't have any problems, not any that we knew about anyway. I went with her a few times to buy maternity clothes and things she'd need for the baby, I think I was a great help to her, I was like her baby dictionary, I'd been through it twice before and although it was nearly 20 years ago and things had changed I was always going to know more than she did.
"Karen, I've said the boys can come and stay with us for a week while we're off, is that okay?" Chris asked me as I came in from shopping with Jayne again. As if I'd ever say no to that question, his sons coming over from America to see their dad that they hardly ever saw? It would be cruel.
"Of course! Why would I say no? It'll be fun!" I said in reply, walking over to give him a big kiss, wrapping my arms around him.
"Well I didn't think you would... They're coming on Boxing Day and going home on the 2nd, I've just been on the phone with Jill," he said.
"Great!"
I'd met the boys quite a few times before and they were lovely, I think they liked me, but that was before I started dating their dad... I hoped it wouldn't make a difference as I really didn't like the thought of spending a week with two boys aged 8 and 13 that really didn't like me.. I'd just have to deal with it wouldn't I? Maybe I could escape to Jayne's? I tried to tell myself to stop being so negative about it all, but it was hard. Should I tell Chris? He'd probably just call me stupid and ignore it, so maybe not.
"Karen are you okay?" he asked, noticing that I hadn't said anything for a while as we sat snuggled up on the sofa, Chris was watching some race that didn't interest me in the slightest, I was playing around with his phone.
"Yeah fine why?"
"You're very quiet and normally you're nattering away that's why"
"I'm just thinking.."
"About..?"
"The boys.. what if they don't like me?"
"Its not the first time they've met you is it!"
"No but it was different before.. we weren't dating before... and I'd only said hello to them when you brought them into the studios, oh and that time we all went out for lunch with Jayne and Phil as well.. but I'm going to be living with them this time? What if they hate me for being with you?" All my thoughts suddenly just flooded out of my mouth before I could stop myself, was it better out than in?
"Oh Kaz come here sweetheart.." he said suddenly turning all sympathetic on me, pulling my head towards him and kissing my hair, patting my back. "They're not going to hate you," he said looking straight at me. "They have no reason at all to hate you, they're actually quite excited to see you again"
"Really?" I asked not at all convinced. I was convinced he was making it up as he went along to please me.
"I promise. I'd never lie to you, I spoke to them on the phone earlier, they asked for 'Auntie Karen and Auntie J'" he laughed. I quickly realised he wasn't making it up, the more he talked me into it. I still wasn't sure if they were actually excited to see me again but it wouldn't do me any harm to believe it for a little while at least.
The last couple of weeks went by in a blink of an eye, it was much harder without Jayne around to help as eventually we'd managed to convince her there was no need for her to come in every day, it wasn't like other jobs where you can work practically right up until the baby comes as normal, it was too hands on for that. One of the other coaches had time off too as his wife had just had a baby, he still came in whenever he could though. Our last day of training was Christmas Eve and we finished around 6pm, it was a long last day because we wanted to get as much as we could done, everyone was tired and just wanted to go home and be with their families; they knew when they got back it was just going to be even more hardcore working and non stop training, along with all the costume fittings for the shows as well.
"Merry Christmas baby" Chris said as he got in the car, he took my hand and squeezed it, placing a soft kiss on my lips before we drove off.
"I love you," I said in reply, I was kind of in a daze, the idea of a whole week off and spending it with my gorgeous man was heaven, even though we'd have time with the boys for a few days as well. Jayne had her sister coming over too so we didn't have to worry about her being by herself.
"Well we made it honey, we've worked hard together to get here, I can't believe how well the show is going.. and to think this time last year we were still snooping around because we were both too afraid of what people would say about us being together, we didn't really have anything to worry about did we?" he smiled before kissing me again, it was true that we'd come a long way, for almost six months we'd hid our relationship which had really come from nowhere, friends for over 30 years and suddenly this, it was a huge leap we'd taken but now I was so glad we had, and we'd hidden it from all our family and friends, even Jayne didn't know, that's how careful we were. Jayne was the first to find out though, because the longer we spent together the way we acted around each other changed.
We got home and Chris cooked dinner which was quite a rare occasion during the week, it'd normally be me shoving something in the oven or even the microwave, and Chris would cook us a proper meal at the weekend, he was good at that, but he hated doing it when we got in from work, neither of us could be bothered to do much at all most days after skating, unless there was shopping involved, then I was immediately interested! While I was sat on the sofa texting Jayne, I could smell the bolognese wafting in from the kitchen, I went to go and join Chris in the kitchen, opened a bottle of wine I'd been saving all week after much temptation, and wrapped my arms around his waist as he stood stirring the dinner.
"I'm going up to bed.. care to join me?" I said in a flirtatious manner, we were snuggled up on the sofa and we'd just finished watching a christmas movie, I didn't even take in the name of it, Chris seemed quite interested in it but it wasn't really for me, I was just willing it to finish, the time had dragged and half way through I almost fell asleep, but by the end of it I'd most certainly woken up.
"Yeah I'll be up in a minute.. I'm just going to ring the boys first, they'll be getting dead excited by now" Chris said pulling his phone out his pocket and he decided to face time them instead, he'd bought his eldest son an ipad for his birthday earlier in the year so they could skype and face time with that and Chris's phone, it was a brilliant buy and money well spent.
"Okay baby I'll be waiting," I said smiling slightly cheekily at him as I made my way up the stairs to freshen up and wait for him. I heard the conversation with Jack and Sam he was having as I waited, both the boys sounded really excited about seeing him, they couldn't wait, I could tell when Chris missed them which was quite a lot, he didn't get to see them nearly enough, not compared with other dads.
"Sorry I was so long sweetheart," he said to me as soon as he entered the bedroom with his ipad in one hand and iphone in the other. I was lying in the middle of the bed with my silky dressing gown draped over me while I was waiting for him and my phone in my hands.
"Don't apologise you were only talking to your babies," I told him patting the bed next to me, where he almost jumped up and then leaned over to kiss me, his hand on the side of my cheek.
"You look beautiful.. as always" he said letting out a deep breath before we went into another deep, romantic kiss that seemed to last forever, he began to run his fingers through my wavy hair, and I took in his scent.
I eased his top off and it landed in a heap on the floor, and we continued to kiss trapped in each other's embrace, but I had to stop and tell him. I had to tell him the truth. "Chris.. can I ask you something," I started, pausing for a moment.
"Of course, anything darling," he replied almost instantly as if he was expecting it.
"I should have told you sooner, but the day that I went to the shops really early? I went to get a pregnancy test.."
"And..? What did it say?"
"Positive" his face lit up at this one singular word.
"Really?!" he hugged me in his sheer moment of delight. "So you're, pregnant? We're having a baby!" he laughed with excitement and happiness as I came out with the revelation, which made me sad to tell him the next bit.
"Well no... not exactly. I thought I was from the test, but I went to the doctors and they did a test, there's no baby in there. When I thought I was pregnant I didn't want it, there was nothing I longed for more than for that test to be wrong, but now I feel like I miss it, I miss having the baby inside me, which is ridiculous because it was never there? It's the strangest feeling ever," I explained to a now very confused looking Chris who was lying next to me.
"so what are you saying baby?"
"Can we.. try to get pregnant?" I just had to say it. Ever since I'd found out I wasn't pregnant, and all the time I'd spent with Jayne and her baby books, the more I'd wished the the positive test had been right. It was like I'd missed the baby I'd never had, like it had already touched my life and I wanted it back. It was an unknown, it never really existed and the more I thought of it the more I felt cruel thinking of the baby as an 'it' but I never knew whether it was a little girl or boy, because it was never there, and there wasn't a little boy or a little girl... all the thoughts were jumbled up and so confused in my small brain it was a bit too much to cope with and I just wanted someone to understand, anyone at all.
"Are you sure?" Chris asked me right away, he didn't seem put off by the thought or idea but he looked like he wasn't sure if he actually wanted it, maybe he'd been considering it for a while and I just didn't know about it because he didn't want to put me off or do anything that could possibly give our relationship a set back. We were moving quite slowly, although we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together we were taking it slow so we didn't ruin what we had, we'd only recently been living together, after a year of spending so much time at each other's places that it only seemed sensible to move in together.
"Yes, I'm sure," I answered him after just a few seconds, maybe a little too quickly, his facial expression didn't change, so I carried on talking. "Like I said before it's like I miss the baby I was never pregnant with, even though I didn't want to be pregnant when I thought I was. Or maybe I did, I was just terrified of having to say anything to you and I really don't know why.. I should have just told you when I found out that morning. But then it-" he stopped me mid flow, put a finger to my lips and romantically kissed me, probably just to shut me up.
"Ssh... it's okay, you don't have to explain to me what you did or didn't do okay?" he smiled. "if you really want a baby then we can try, as long as you know just how much work it's going to be? You know if we have you and Jayne pregnant at the same time, what does that do to me?" he laughed. "but if it's what you want baby then I want it to, and we'll work away around it."
"I've thought about this non stop like you've no idea... I realise it's going to be hard, but we can do it?"
"I think we're going to have to get some new coaches in don't you?" he said laughing and then kissing me again.
***
"Karen baby wake up, look it's snowing" I was briefly aware of his voice around me, but I didn't want to open my eyes, I was already in such a happy place. I'd been dreaming the whole night of us being a cute little family, it was tonnes of dreams all packed into one, at one point I was cradling a little baby girl, and the next thing I knew I had one in each arm, and so did Chris! Even so they were lovely little dreams, every one of them, but I still didn't want to open my eyes and go back to the real world. Chris then decided to gently shake me awake, he was like the little boy excited on Christmas morning which I'd just dreamt about. Eventually i did open my eyes, the first thing I did was share my first proper Christmas kiss with Chris. It was an enchanting thought that we might have made our little baby the night before, on Christmas Eve.
"Morning..." I said in a quiet voice, and rubbing my eyes a bit, I wasn't fully awake yet and my vision was slightly blurry, but I could see the white blanket of snow that had fallen over night, and snowflakes the size of golf balls were still falling rapidly from the bright pure white sky.
"When can I give you your present then?" he asked, he seemed very excited about whatever it was.
"Can I just have five minutes, cuddling you, just to wake up a bit?" I said smiling widely at him and shuffling our bodies closer to each other, I rested my head on his chest, and his head leant lightly on top of mine.
"Ready yet?" he asked, it must have been about fifteen minutes. I'd sort of been falling asleep again I was so comfy and relaxed lying in his arms, but he did seem very excited so I gave into him as if he was a little child giving me the puppy eyes look. After having my nod of approval his head and shoulders disappeared as he leant upside-down to reach underneath the bed, and pulled out a little gift bag, and a small red velvet box. "Let me give you this first," he said taking a deep breath in and opening the small box, presenting me with a gorgeous silver ring. "Karen... I've loved you all my life and we're finally together, this last year or so we've spent together has been absolutely amazing and I just know I want to spend my life with you, I hope you feel the same way.. will you marry me?" I was too overwhelmed to say anything, I was completely and utterly speechless at the offer that was laid out in front of me. Of course I wanted to marry him, of course I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him! I just gave him a huge nod to show my approval and a smile that was the biggest I could possibly do spread across my face, I burst into tears and just threw my arms around him, hugging him like there was no tomorrow, and then turning it into a sentimental kiss. "I want you to wear this ring so people know, people know that we're together and always will be, but I don't want to have to set a date for the wedding and everything now, I just want you to wear it so that it's definite - we will get married one day, whether its next year or in three years," he continued. Before I hadn't really cared about getting married again, I kind of had a neutral feeling about marriage all over, it was a big thing and I certainly hadn't ruled it off, but I just wasn't sure I'd want to do it all again, knowing that it could end badly; but now Chris had asked I knew this one wouldn't end badly. It couldn't.
Sorry this is a bit of a short update I hope you like it!;)
