The row seemed to go on forever it was just never ending, I wasn't making anything any better and neither was Jayne, I think whatever either of us said just made it seem even worse. Jayne appeared to be looking for my sympathy and I think she had it, but it was harder to give her what she wanted when she was so angry at me for something I did that meant no harm. I'd just been trying to do the right thing I guess. I didn't know what to do with myself and I don't think Jayne did either but we kept arguing and it got to its most aggressive point quite quickly but soon it returned to stupid insults and remarks because neither of us could calm down enough to see sense. Chris was probably wondering where the hell both of us were but I don't think he knew about our secret place so he'd just have to be patient and wait for us to come back. At one point I might of heard him calling out names, maybe he walked past I couldn't be too sure, but I ignored it.
"the only reason I never told you about the kids was because I didn't want to kick up a fuss I wasn't looking for attention or sympathy and I thought work would be a good distraction, I didn't want to talk about anything like that, I didn't want to think about it"
"how long has it been like this with phil? I mean was there anything changing or going on before he found out?"
"no... Well maybe a little" Jayne said sheepishly, it was like there was something she hadn't told me but wanted to, but she didn't want to then because we were supposed to be having an argument.
"Jayne you can tell me, what happened to telling each other everything eh?"
"and what happened to keeping each others secrets??!" and the whole thing started again! About how Jayne thought she couldn't trust me with anything anymore and who knows what else, I sort of zoned out. I'd been trapped in that room for what felt like so much longer than it had actually been and I wanted to get back out on the ice, or maybe just go home with Chris. Anything that would take my mind off this and make me feel better about everything. I knew as soon as I was alone with him I'd open up to Chris all over again about everything Jayne had said but there was nothing she could do to stop me.
"okay I get your point. But we can't just go on like this forever Jayne! We've had plenty of arguments in the past and it's never taken us long to forgive, so can't you just let it go? Please? And if it means you can't tell me anything for a while then so be it, I just want to at least be on speaking terms, please" I begged with her but she didn't seem in a forgiving mood, I always had to be the stronger one out of the two of us and stand up and apologise first, and then i'd always have to stand there and rant on at her in attempt to make her forgive me for whatever stupid little thing i'd done, even if it was Jayne in the wrong it'd still be me to stand up first because i I apologised she seemed to think she could too. I didn't mind too much as long as we ended up friends again.
"just go Karen, I came in here to get away from everything and you just followed me with your bitchiness, I don't need you as a friend clearly" at that I did just walk out and closed the door behind me, it seemed like the easiest thing to do. I wiped my cheeks on my sleeve and dabbed them dry, wiped the corners of my eyes and took a few deep breaths before I made my way back to Chris, he'd gotten off the ice and just sitting on the bench at the side, I'll assume he was just waiting for one of us to come back.
"Karen where the hell have you been?" he said as soon as he saw me coming around the corner and he stood up immediately.
"round the back, me and Jayne have our secret little place we go to sometimes..." I sniffled then looked up at him, trying not to cry again.
"what's the matter sweetheart? You were in there ages what's happened"
"Jayne found out I told you she was pregnant and now she's really upset with me and doesn't want to trust me ever again.... That was how the argument started. Throw in the fact that phil found out too that it wasn't his baby, and he's left Jayne and taken the kids with him" I explained to him. "she didn't tell me any of the details because she didn't think she could trust me... But I could tell its been bothering her a while. Im not sure how long she's hidden it from us"
"oh my god... Come here" he said and then held his arms out wide, welcoming me in for a warm comforting hug, and it was just what I needed. Just to be safely in his arms cheered me up a lot,his warm breath on my head just made me feel so much better knowing he was there for me. "should I go and talk to her?"
"no I don't think you should, and anyway you wouldn't be able to find her because she is in our secret place and if I tell you that'll be the end of it" I was still feeling quite emotional the whole concept of people shouting and falling out with each other made me feel down and when I was involved myself I felt like having a total meltdown, but Chris seemed to make it all a lot easier to deal with. "I just want to go home..." I sobbed into his chest, and he put an arm around my waist, part of me felt childish for crying to him like that but the more powerful feeling was the relief of letting everything out.
"then that's what we'll do honey... I'll ring Jayne and tell her we're going though, I don't really want to leave her hear alone but I don't think there's much choice" and then he got out his iPhone and dialled Jaynes number on speed dial, she picked up after a few rings and they chatted for a few minutes, I couldn't hear what Jayne was saying but it was clear she wasn't in any way mad with Chris like she was with me. "let's go then..."
"I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes you know" I said truthfully, looking across and giving Chris a weak smile to the seat next to me as he started the car.
"im here whenever you need me, I love you karen"
"I love you too"
***
"Chris leave the dishes I'll do them, thank you for dinner it was lovely"
"no it's fine you go and relax put the telly on or something, there's not much here to do anyway" he insisted.
"thank you" I eventually gave in because I knew he wasn't going to let me help, he knew I was feeling down and he was going to try his best to cheer me up.
"get your coat and shoes on baby" came his voice from the kitchen, I'd just about settled down, I was ignoring my phone, normally I had it by my side 24/7 in case anything came through but I hadn't even taken it out of my bag. I'd found some skating competition in china on one of the sports channels and was quite happy sat watching that, waiting for Chris to come and join me so we could snuggle up together.
"why where are we going"
"out for a walk come on, I think a bit of fresh air is just what you need darling" I did as I was told and went to get my bright red coat and slipped on my knee high boots over my leggings.
"are you going to be warm enough like that" Chris said looking at me like I was in my underwear about to go out in the snow.
"it's not that bloody cold and we're not going far are we?"
"I suppose not" Chris grabbed his own coat and the keys and followed me out the front door. He took hold of my hand in his as we walked down the path and down the road, and ended up walking down the riverside, normally we didn't at this time of year because it was a bit cold and dark so early, and with so much going on on the ice... It was lovely in the summer, with the warm evenings and lighter too, we'd walk down hand in hand and watch the sun go down, watch the reflection of it on the water. But it was just as beautiful in winter, there wasn't many people around, it was past rush hour and the sky was black but lit up with hundreds of bright stars and a full moon which reflected off the river. There were bright street lamps every few meters and it was a very romantic atmosphere, I felt like there was no one else in the world except the two of us walking down that river in the moonlight.
sorry i've not been able to update this, i went to see the hunger games yesterday and slept round my friends but i was going to do some in a little while, if i can think of what to write x
"we're nearly back now though do you think you can get back to the house or not"
"no they bloody kill... look there's a bench there why don't we sit down for a little while and just look at the view" I suggested, I knew when we'd left the house it wasn't going to be a brilliant idea to wear the 6 inch heels almost as thin as needles.
"come on then" Chris said a mischevious laugh came over him as he turned toward me, we were about 20m away from the bench and he scooped me up and carried me over, placing a soft kiss on my lips before sitting me on the bench, and then sitting down beside me, by which time the pair of us were in fits of giggles.
"there we go" he said as he kissed me again, it was a series of short kisses for about 5 minutes until I pressed my lips against his, put my hands around his neck and he put his around my waist, squeezing me in towards him.
he kissed me back immediately and we passionately shared a long moment together under the shining moonlight, so much for seeing the view. I was aware of people passing as we got more and more intense with each other, I never used to feel at all comfortable with people watching us in that way but I didn't care with Chris, it felt different to what it did with Stephen and I didn't have a care in the world.
"mmm I love you so so much... do you know that ms barber" Chris mused in between more kisses, and I did know that. Since being with Chris I realised what true love felt like, I've realised that I don't think Stephen ever did really love me, not properly, not like a proper husband should. With Chris it felt so much more magical when we were together and I knew he was the one I should have crossed paths with many many years ago.
"yes i do know... and did you know that i love you even more?" i replied, smiling at him flirtatiously, almost cheekily, before returning to kissing him again, and i moved one hand to touch the side of his freshly shaven cheek.
Chris's hands slowly moved from my waist, up the sides of my body, his finger tips gently pressing into my body as his hands slipped underneath my jacket and then progressed to underneath my thin top. Then he ran his fingers through my fluffy hair and back down to my body, he slipped my jacket off my shoulders and hung it over the back of the bench, i did the same to his and our bodies moved closer together as if we didn't even need to tell them to, it was an automatic reaction.
"kaz don't you think we should go back to the house" I just about made out the words that came out of Chris's mouth as he tried to speak in between our passionate smooch on the public bench, one thing's for sure that 5 years ago I wouldn't be doing anything of the sort and would think very lowly of anyone else doing anything of the sort, now it was a totally different story.
"hmm i suppose so but i love you so much i can't resist you"
"i know you can't but i think we'd really better be getting back before i pounce on you or something"
"don't, stop it.. " I replied, his rebellious offer sounding rather good to me.
"seriously though... come on let's get our coats on we can continue this back in there alright" chris promised me, getting his coat back on with a huge grin on his face and it stayed there as he handed me mine and helped me into it, and then we walked hand in hand back to the house, I leaned up to kiss him a few times on the way too, it was like we were teenagers again falling in love for the first time.
as soon as we got through the door Chris picked me up again whisking me through to the bedroom, he threw me down on the bed and took my boots off me throwing them across the room letting them hit the wall and fall to the ground taking his own shoes off at the same time. I took my jacket off while Chris took off his and then he climbed on the bed beside me, looking into my eyes.
"right where were we?" he said seductively running his fingers across my face, and kissing me again on the lips. Eagerly I kissed him back, and I rolled over so I was perched on top of him. Chris tried to reach up to slip my top over my head but it was much more fun to tease him, playing games and making him wait. Eventually I let him and he moved on to slip my leggings over my hips and both ended up on the floor by the bed.
"i love you so so much karen barber... you have the most amazing body in the world..." his hands ran all over my almost naked figure and his own clothes slowly made their way to make friends with the floor along with mine. We lay in each other's arms caressing each other in seductive ways, I wanted him and he wanted me. I'd never felt anything like this in whole 20 years I'd been married, and it was the most fantastic feeling in the whole word.
"i love you too my sexy christopher dean.. what did i ever do to deserve you eh.."
"what did i do to deserve you more like... i always had a crush on you for years and years i never actually thought i'd be almost making love to you on a park bench by the river.." chris said, a seductive smile wiped across his face as he ran his big warm hands over my back, warming me up quicker than an oven.
"i wish i could just stay here with you forever..." i mused a few hours later, we'd both calmed down a lot and just lying in each other's arms was pure bliss, it felt amazing and i never wanted it to end, never. I wish we didn't have to go to sleep, I wish we didn't have to go anywhere at god knows what time in the morning, I just wanted to stay in that moment forever.
eventually both of us must have drifted off to sleep, because I was woken a few hours later by the sunlight drifting into the room, we hadn't bothered with drawing the curtains, it was then I sort of hoped that no one had been peeking in, but there wasn't a lot we could do about that now, it was too late! When I woke I had a sort of tingling feeling in my stomach, I don't know what it was, I think it was just left over excitement and hype. Chris was still fast asleep which was incredibly rare, he was usually up for a good couple hours before he woke me, but I decided to get up and get myself ready for work and leave him be for a while. I took my time shampooing and conditioning my hair, doing my make up and picking out what to wear, then I put the kettle on while I left the hair straightners to heat up on the dressing table.
"Chris... come on we haven't got long before we're supposed to be at the rink.. wake up sexy" I sat on the bed beside him and put the coffee on his bedside table, gently shaking his shoulders and watched his eyelids slowly open.
"Bloody hell, you up and ready before me now there's a first"
"I wanted to leave you to lie in for a bit it makes a change me bringing you the coffee in the morning"
"It certainly does.. and you're almost ready to leave as well"
Chris slowly sat up propping the pillows behind him and taking a sip of the coffee. I turned and went over to the dressing table and pulled out the stool to do my hair, clipping the top section out the way to straighten underneath first, and then pulling the front section back into a wide clip, and pushed my fringe over to the side, straightening it carefully so it didn't stick out.
"You look beautiful baby" Chris said coming up behind me and kissed the top of my head, looking at our reflection in the huge mirror propped up against the wall.
"You'd better get ready" I told him, it felt a bit strange not to hear it from him but there was a first time for everything.
"Yes miss... I expect a bacon sandwich when I get out the shower waiting for me then?" he said before putting another kiss on my head and making his way to the bathroom.
It didn't take Chris very long at all to get ready, within 15 mins he'd joined me in the kitchen, probably the aroma of the bacon dragged him in."Just watch that a minute will you Chris I'm just going to get my bag so we're ready to go once we've eaten, this will be a first won't it, not late for once!" as I got into the bedroom I saw the contraceptive pills sticking out of my bag, it was an empty packet and it suddenly dawned on me I hadn't taken it for a few days... The first thought that came into my mind was sheer panic, as we hadn't used any protection the night before... What if I got pregnant? It would be so much work and hassle with dancing on ice as well to deal with, there'd be all the press and god knows what else... and what was Chris going to say? I don't think he'd be happy with this one.
The next thing that came to me was that it was an empty packet, it had been another month since I'd started taking the pill and completely forgot about going to the doctors to get more. By the time we were finished training it would be nearly 7 or 8 o clock, and that would be too late to go and pick them up, and it would probably be too late to prevent the pregnancy as well. I was in a serious pickle.
"Karen breakfast!" how long had I been in here? Not that long surely? Okay so maybe it was longer than I thought that I'd been standing here with the empty box of pills in my hand.
"Chris I think we might have a problem.." My instinct gut feeling was to just tell him straight out, the longer I hid it the more of a problem it would be. Or maybe my gut feeling was telling me I was pregnant, who knows, we'd find out eventually.
"What is it baby" he said looking over his shoulder as he buttered the bread and put the sandwiches down on the table and began to hunt for the ketchup. I stood on one side of the table with the box in my hand just holding it out for him to see what was going on.
"What's that?" he said, sounding confused.
"My pills.. I've not taken them in a few days because they run out I meant to get more yesterday and never got around to it, I think we're in trouble"
"Ohhh god.. surely if you go and get some now and take it quick nothing will happen?"
"Chris it doesn't take long! We could have conceived a baby last night" I told him, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"Then we could be becoming parents... how amazing would that be?" I wasn't convinced. The idea of just telling everyone was enough to set me off in tears. Plus there was no way we would be able to handle a baby now, the live shows hadn't even started yet, and I wouldn't be able to be much help on the ice would I?
Chris looked almost excited at the thought of a little baby, it was unusual for me to be thinking about it in a more sensible way than he was. "Don't cry sweetie," he said coming over to me, realising that I really wasn't keen.
"But what if I am?"
"Then we'll have to accept it won't we? Come on, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world would it? There are so many couples out there that would love a baby but can't have one, we should be grateful if you are," he said smiling down at me.
"I suppose..." I still wasn't overly convinced, I was dead scared. I wasn't ready for this?
"Do you want to stop at the doctors on the way to the rink then?" he said, realising how suddenly panicked I was.
"Yes please," I said taking a deep breath, telling myself everything would be okay, I had Chris to look after me and I knew he'd support me with whatever happened, he had that nature about him with pretty much everyone.
"Don't worry about it too much eh, you're probably not pregnant anyway!" he said trying his hardest to cheer me up. "come on eat up then we can go," he said picking up his own sandwich and putting as much of it in his mouth as he could at once.
"I'm not hungry" I told him in a barely audible voice.
"Okay honey let's go before you work yourself up even more eh? It'll be okay I promise" he put his arms around my waist and I rested my head against his muscular chest, it made me feel instantly a tiny bit better already. "Got everything?" he said gently easing me off of him.
"Yep come on... so much for being early eh"
"We'll still beat Jayne, you know what she's like"
"Oh god Jayne.." I said, flashbacks of the argument the day before came rushing back to me all at once and it made me feel even worse, it wasn't going to be a good day.
"Kaz baby cheer up.. come on where's that cheeky smile gone eh?" Chris said gently patting my cheek, I cracked a little and gave him a half smile, it made me a little happier to know he cared enough about me to try and cheer me up. Conveniently, the doctor's is sort of on the way to the rink so we just pulled in on the way, I collected the pills and got back to the car, taking one with a few sips of water.
"Now all we can do is hope for the best" I said nervously.
"ooh Jayne's not here yet I thought she would be" Chris said as we pulled up into the same car parking space as we used every day, it was our little spot, under the shade of a massive tree.
"Good... Chris what am I going to say to her? After all that yesterday I don't know if I can face her" I said honestly, climbing out the car and we both walked hand in hand with our bags thrown over our shoulders on opposite sides so we could still walk closely holding hands.
"She's probably got over it by now, these arguments never last between you two"
"Are you laughing?"
"No..."
"You are!!"
"I'm sorry but it does amuse me when you fight.."
"Chris!"
"Sorry!"
"Be serious! What am I going to say?"
"Well maybe you should apologise to her this time? Normally its her that comes to you first- I can tell by the look on your face that's exactly what you wanted me to say" he laughed.
"You're so much help..."
"Sorry!"
We quickly got our skates on dumping both our bags in my dressing room as usual and got on the ice. There was a couple of the other pros that had turned up to practise the opening for the series so we got started on going over the routine that we'd choreographed a few weeks ago.
"Chris she's here" I said as we came to the end of the routine and I came to a stop right next to him as if he was my shield and protection from anything that might happen.
"Calm down sweet.. it'll be fine"
"that's alright for you to say" I hissed under my breath, I watched her like a hawk as she got her skates on and came over to us. I decided to make a brave step and open my mouth first as Chris suggested.
"Jayne can I talk to you?"
"We'll be back in a minute," I told Chris and skated off leading the way gesturing Jayne to follow me to my dressing room.
"Can we please forget about yesterday? I don't want to be angry with you right now, I'm not in the mood myself and I know you're not either" I started, my voice was trembling a little and I'm not sure if Jayne noticed or not. The look on her face wasn't an impressed one and I felt so stupid stepping up to her, it was like I was just going to be shot down again and she'd take the piss. "Please? Jayne say something?" I said after she stayed silent for a while, I wasn't sure what the expressions that were changing on her face meant but I hope that was what she looked like when she was going to forgive me.
"Okay... Karen I'm sorry about yesterday I think it did get a bit out of hand.." she finally admitted. "I've made a decision about the baby though," she added.
"Yes?"
"I'm going to keep it" I have to say I was shocked to hear those words come out of her mouth, she'd spent all this time thinking she should get rid of it and worrying like hell, and after all that she'd decided to keep it.
"What brought this on? I thought you wanted it gone? What about work and everything?"
"Yes I know I know... but how many years of my life have I wished I could be pregnant? Lots. And I never thought it would happen! And now I am.. it feels so stupid to have an abortion after all I've been through. I'll finally have my own biological baby, even if it is 20 or so years after I planned. I'll just have to find away to get around work, you and Chris can help out right? Me and Chris won't be able to do our routines but I'm sure we can find some alternatives? It might not please the public too much but it's not their life it's mine and I'm going to enjoy it." A smile spread across her face as she got through the explanation, I think she was imagining holding the baby in her arms as she spoke, her eyes almost glazed over at one point.
"Well I'm glad for you," I said looking her right in the eye, and speaking honestly. I welled up a little bit at the thought of me being pregnant as well, I realised I'd just have to accept it if it happened and told myself I'd be happy if it did, "and if you ever need any help with anything you know me and Chris can help out" I added helpfully. I wanted her to know she had our full support throughout.
I was tempted to tell Jayne that I thought I might be pregnant but something stopped me, I didn't quite know what. I just smiled and we shared a friendly hug, I knew we were friends again. We went back out to the rink and Chris was incredibly happy to see we'd made up already, I think he was half expecting us to have another full blown row, but no. We got on with work quite quickly and the whole day flew by, quicker than it had ever gone at the rink I think. For the first time Jayne properly enjoyed training, she just needed to get all her emotions out of her system, unfortunately she'd taken some of it out on me but I didn't mind too much because now she was happy, and I knew it was going to be hard for her but I wanted to help out and I think Chris wanted to as well, even though he didn't know what was actually going on with it all yet.
"Jayne was happy today," Chris stated as we got in the car and drove off, both of us waving a little too enthusiastically out the window to our friend.
"I know... she's keeping the baby," I blurted it out, it couldn't be a secret much longer before Jayne would have to tell everyone, and Chris was going to find out sooner or later so I saw no harm in telling him.
"She's what?!"
"She's keeping the baby."
"How? What about work?"
"She doesn't care. She thought about it and decided she was going to need something to keep her occupied seeing as half her family have neglected her, I told her she had us and she's grateful for that, but she really wants this baby. All those years she was trying to get pregnant and she never could, she was told something was wrong. But now she is and she would feel stupid to throw away the chance, I can definitely see where she's coming from can't you?"
I explained to Chris, his face looked like he was in deep thought, either that or he was concentrating on the road a lot harder than he normally did.
"Ah well I'm pleased for her!" he finally said.
"She's going to find a way to handle it with the show and everything, once she goes for her scan she's not skating as much anymore, because that's when it'll be official that everything's okay. We're just going to have to be there all the time for her, she's going to have to rely on us a lot more from now on," I told him.
"Well that's fine by me, it'll be weird having a baby on the premises won't it?" he chuckled to himself.
"I'm sure we'll get used to it." I said, we sat in almost silence for the rest of the short journey home, we were both lost in thought. I was just happily daydreaming about having a baby, it was a mixture of visions and images in my mind, me and Chris having a baby, Jayne with a baby, all of us with a baby, twins, triplets... my mind was going crazy coming up with various scenarios as I stared out the window until we pulled up on the drive.
Me and Chris had a bit of a lazy evening, ordered a pizza because neither of us had the energy left to cook, and a glass of wine each before we both went to get ready for bed, snuggling up and wrapping our arms around each other hugging to keep warm, giving each other massages to get us in the relaxing mood. I wasn't convinced my massages were very relaxing though, my long manicured nails can't be too comforting to have dug into your shoulders and back like I was doing to Chris - his on the other hand was absolutley lovely, it was like heaven, much better than the treatment I'd given him. It tickled at times and I let out a little squeal when he first pulled the straps down of my top down my arms and smothered my shoulders and upper back in the gooey solution.After that we watched the tv until we eventually both drifted off to sleep lying in the middle of the bed, the tv still on which I assume Chris must have woke up to turn off because it was off when I woke up.
A couple of weeks later I was still worried I could be pregnant, no signs had shown up to tell me I definitely wasn't and I was fretting. I set my alarm at 5:30am so I could go down to the shop and get a test, just to make sure. Before now my body wouldn't have registered it, it still might not have, but it wasn't too early to check. I was still petrified of the thought but I tried to hide it from Chris because I didn't want him to know how worried I was, I didn't feel like it was normal. If I was pregnant I should be happy about it, not cursing the situation. Chris kept making jokes about it but I wasn't finding it funny. I sneaked out of the bed, leaving Chris sound asleep and hoped I'd be able to get out and back again without him noticing I was gone. I just threw on the closest clothes I could find I didn't even noticed if they matched but it didn't matter, it was still pretty dark outside, it was only 6am. I walked in got what I needed and hastily paid, before briskly walking back to the house, hoping Chris was still asleep. He wasn't. He probably heard me get out of bed, he's a light sleeper. Anyway, why was it such a big deal that I had to hide the test from him? I think I'd worked myself up way too much about the whole thing, it was my feelings I'd been trying to hide.
He couldn't know I was worried about being pregnant, he had sounded pretty excited about the whole idea a couple of weeks back when I'd realised it could happen.
"Morning baby, you were out early," he called from the bathroom.
"Yeah, I had to get something from the shop and I was going to surprise you with breakfast in bed as well but you're up now so it's not much of a surprise is it?" I tried. I'd no idea whether he'd believe it or not or how much detail he'd want.
"Aw that's sweet of you, what have I done to deserve that then?"
"Nothing in particular, I'd just like to treat my boyfriend once in a while is that okay with you?"
"Of course sweetheart" he replied with a cheeky laugh.
"What did you get from the shop anyway" he wondered.
I swallowed, and pretended not to hear.
"Can you hurry up in there I need to get in?"
"Yep I'm nearly done I just need to jump in the shower.. why don't you come in with me?"
"No thank you.. can you just hurry up?" I think I snapped at him... I didn't mean to but it happened before I could think too much about what was coming out of my mouth, as usual.
"Are you okay sweet"
"Yes I'm fine why?" he could read me so well.
"You just seem a little edgy that's all"
"I'm just tired.." I lied. Well actually I was quite tired I suppose.
"Right here you go.." he said coming out the shower ten minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist.
"Thanks..." I said passing him and locking the door behind me. My stomach was filled with butterflies as I thought about what was about to happen, I could be pregnant, quite possibly. It wasn't really a good feeling either.. and I didn't know why, having a baby was supposed to be the most amazing experience of your life and here I was wishing it away, hoping it wouldn't happen to me. As I waited for the result I just sat on the closed toilet seat, wondering what I was going to tell Chris. He was going to want some kind of explanation as to why I'd hurried out to the shops at the crack of dawn and then come back and locked myself in the bathroom... It was the most nerve wrecking 5 minutes of my life, it was insane. I took a peak at the white stick that I'd had clutched in my hand the whole time all the different thoughts were whizzing around my brain, and saw that it read positive. I honestly think my heart skipped a beat, I didn't know what to do. I suddenly felt really dizzy and thought I was going to pass out, everything seemed to phase over for a second or two and the room started spinning. My gut instinct was to call Chris and my mouth let out a little yelp, but then I snapped back to reality, and jumped up to my feet, pretending to have dropped something. He couldn't know, not yet, not until I was sure. Maybe the test was wrong? Maybe I'd taken it wrong, if there was even a wrong way to pee on a stick? Maybe there was! I tried to tell myself it wasn't right but I couldn't convince myself no matter how hard I tried.
