Disclaimer : The only thing I own is the storyline, I do not own any of the characters in this fanfic, and no harm or offense is intended, it's just fiction!
Rating: 12/15
"Jayne I do love you," Chris said as he came through the front door, he'd been to America to visit his sons, and Jayne had dinner ready for him on the table as he came in, they'd skyped at the airport while Chris was waiting for his luggage, but they missed each other loads. Skype wasn't the same as hearing the words 'I love you' in real life, in flesh. They missed each other far too much when they were apart, but there was nothing that could be done about any of it, Jill, Chris's second wife had made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with Jayne, and she wanted her children to have nothing to do with her either.
Jill had sussed Chris out a long time before he confessed to having an affair with Jayne, he'd never wanted to hurt Jill but she'd been right all along, their relationship was so much more off the ice. There was no way for them to stay apart as lovers much longer, and that's when they came together. Both of them had hid those feelings for so long before they finally had that one night stand, and after that it all became so much more and everything was changing. It wasn't easy for either of them, their decisions came with a lot of complications, but they'd worked it out in the end. After 30 years of innocent friendship they'd gone a step further. Two years later they were still happy together as a proper couple. It didn't feel wrong, it was more of a 'why haven't we been doing this all along?' feeling for them both, all the crazed fans that wanted them to have a relationship back in the 80s had finally got what they wanted, and the attention they got from it was really quite overwhelming at first, but they'd sort of got used to it, as surreal as it all still was.
"I love you too, I missed you so much, I hate when you're away, it's horrible," she said, rushing over to the doorway to greet him, she practically knocked the suitcases out of his hands as she flung her arms around his neck, their bodies close. After giving him the biggest, tightest hug she lowered her arms and tip toed up to kiss him.
"Did you have a nice time with the boys?" she asked as he dumped his other bag on the sofa and they went and sat at the table together. A guilty look swept over his face as he winced before answering.
"Yes it was lovely, I really wish I could see them more," he admitted truthfully.
"Got lots of pictures to show me then?" Ever since his children had been born he'd been obsessed with taking pictures of memories, and even more so when he came back to the UK after divorcing Jill, he wanted to have lots of picture memories of the boys always with him, and Jayne loved looking through them with him when he got back from wherever he'd taken them. He'd not yet had permission from Jill to take the boys back to the UK, she was totally against them being in the same house as Jayne. Chris thought it was an absolutely ridiculous request from her but he accepted it anyway because he wanted to see the boys as much as he could, and he didn't want her to take them away from her totally, like she had threatened to a number of times. Jayne accepted it too, although it made her sad that Jill felt that way, she'd have loved to have family days out with his kids too, as a family, she thought, she still considered them sort of as her own children as she didn't have any, even though she didn't see them in person. She hoped that one day she might get to see them and that Jill would respect that she didn't want to do any harm to them.
"Yep, as always, well not quite so many this time, I couldn't find any more batteries for the damn thing, and I left my spares here!" Chris said laughing, trying not to crack. He felt awful for what he was hiding from Jayne but he most certainly didn't want to tell her, no way. He knew it would take her a while to suss him out, but still, he hated taking the risk, he felt so bad about it all! He'd have to tell her at some point he just didn't know when, he didn't think there was much point yet though.
"Are you okay baby?" Jayne asked with a concerned look on her face and a mouthful of food, she'd noticed already something wasn't right, Chris was normally full of stories to tell her when he came back from America, and he normally raced his dinner down as quickly as he could, he'd be so exhausted from the day of travelling, especially with the delay he'd had as well.
"Yes I'm fine, why?" he said quickly back, maybe a little bit too quickly, he was worried it was too obvious.
"You just don't seem yourself that's all," Jayne answered back, she was getting suspicious over his behaviour already and he knew that, but he wasn't anywhere near ready to spill. They finished their dinner in an awkward silence and Chris excused himself upstairs, saying he didn't feel right and wanted to do a bit of unpacking. It was harder than he first thought it was going to be, he couldn't even stand to look at her for too long without feeling guilty. He didn't know why he'd done what he had, he had a perfectly good relationship with Jayne who had been the love of his life for so long, he'd even made plans to propose to her before the end of the year, but he knew that was never going to happen now. Even now he couldn't explain to even himself why he'd done it, he was really just hoping for the best, maybe that he'd go to sleep and wake up with everything okay again, but deep down he knew that wasn't the case. He didn't even know what he truly wanted, whether he actually wanted to leave Jayne or not. He didn't know how he'd tell her.
Can I just add in now and let you all know this is set in 2004, and DOI hasn't started yet :')
He unpacked his main suitcase, and emptied out his bags onto the floor because he'd given in. He checked his phone as he flopped down onto his side of the king sized bed, he had 5 missed calls from Karen and some texts. He got a sudden feeling of dread as he saw her name on his screen, he didn't quite know what to expect, whether to be pleased to hear from her or not, it was all too confusing, he didn't know how to respond.
Hello sexy, I had a fantastic weekend, hope you did too, I think its the right choice, I hope you do too xxx
A smile came across his face as he read the words. She still cared about him, that was a start. He'd wondered if she was so drunk on that first night that it had all just been a stupid mistake, he wasn't even convinced the next day, when Karen was trying to make it up to him. They'd woken up next to each other in the same bed, and neither of them could remember much of what happened, except that it was wonderful, they were both practically glowing. Karen's marriage had been slowly falling apart for a while and she knew that Stephen was up to no good, going away for weekend after weekend, sometimes 3 weekends in one month, acting like he wanted to get caught out. But Karen let him have his fun and decided that she'd have her own, which was when she invited Chris over for the weekend. He hadn't totally lied to Jayne about going to see his kids, he'd been there first, and while he was over there was when Karen got hold of him. He'd not seen her in years, he could barely remember what she actually looked like.
***
A petite, stylish blonde popped into his mind as a facebook request flashed through on his phone.
He accepted it right away, and began clicking through her photos. Memories of skating in the 80s flooded his mind and he wanted to be back there, in the moment. Young again, young and free with very few cares in the world. He thought back to 20 years ago, when him and Jayne won gold with Bolero, shocking the nation. It hadn't felt real then and still didn't, it was unbelievable to them that they would have had such an effect on so many people.
He'd always found Karen a very attractive young woman, they were all so shy back then though, he'd never taken their relationship any further than that, and he was almost afraid of Nicky, her skating partner and boyfriend at the time. The pair of them had been in a serious relationship, their relationship off the ice eventually spoiled their partnership on the ice though, and they'd drifted apart. The last time they'd competed together was 1984, coming 2nd in the Olympics after Jayne and Chris's Bolero.
Chris's finger repeatedly flicked the photos across the screen of his phone, but he was no longer looking at them, he was fantasising, fantasising what it would have been like if he'd been matched up with Karen instead of Jayne - it was hard to imagine. Karen and Chris had gone to school together as well, but in different years, they didn't pay much attention to each other then. His mind wondered so much, he was startled when his phone went off quite loudly with a message from Karen.
'Hello, long time no see! How've you been?'
And so the conversation began. They filled each other in with what they'd been up to in the past 15 years they'd been totally distant. Shortly after Jayne and Chris turned professional they started skating in multiple shows, some of their own and some with larger companies. Chris typed away telling Karen everything, and she told him how her life had changed. She had two beautiful girls aged 14 and 12, and married to Stephen, who she met at her own ice rink, he'd come looking for a coaching job and she'd hired him. They'd met in 1990, a good year for Karen. Following opening her own ice rink, she'd met Stephen in the early months of the year, they'd fallen in love and she'd got pregnant. After that he proposed to her, and by December that year they had a gorgeous baby and they were husband and wife. But things weren't going so well between the two of them anymore after being married for 13 years. Karen explained everything to Chris and his heart ached for her, and suddenly he longed to see her. They kept talking over facebook but it never occurred for him to tell Jayne at first, she and Karen had been great friends years ago but he was sure their relationship ended on an all time low. He didn't think it was a big deal anyway, it was just some friendly conversation with someone he'd not seen in a long time.
The next time Jayne had left him in the house alone he skyped Karen for the first time once he'd tracked her down on there. Her flirtatious smile sent happy feelings through him at once. She appeared even more attractive than he'd remembered, and what he'd got from the pictures, her hair was died a very light shade of blonde and pulled into a bun, and she apologised for not having any make up on. They talked for ages, until Jayne got home, he didn't think it'd be a good idea to tell her who it was.
It was only a few weeks after the skype call that Chris went to America, and Karen rang him up, she wanted to see him, properly, in person, and the truth was that he wanted the same. All those years apart and finally they'd found each other again. Karen invited Chris over for the weekend after he'd explained he was in America visiting his sons who were still young. On the phone to Jayne that night he sad he was extending his stay, then got the plane over to Newcastle where Karen was. They clicked instantly, as if they'd never been apart.
As soon as he’d read the text he started typing his reply, he deleted it and re typed about a hundred times just to get it right, he didn’t want to make any wrong moves.
I had a fantastic weekend, best in ages, thank you so much kaz x when am I seeing you again? Big kiss xxxxxxx
He thought maybe he’d over done the kisses at the end, but it was a bit late as he’d already hit reply. Better too much than too little, he decided. Within a few seconds his phone vibrated as he laid it on his chest as he waited for a reply, Karen was a speedy texter.
Missing me are we? That was a speedy reply mister. Whenever you like, are you telling jayne or hasn’t she sussed you out yet?
I think she knows something isn’t right.
Skype?
I cant, she’ll get even more suspicious, I’m pretending to not be feeling well
I’ll leave you to it then, ring me later xx
As soon as Chris could he got out of the house and told Jayne he was going for a little walk. He wondered down the road, not quite sure where he was headed, he’d probably end up in the pub as usual. Jayne definitely knew something was wrong, he could tell, he could sense she knew something, but she certainly hadn’t totally worked it out yet. Part of him longed to tell her but that was going to be a bad idea for sure… he weighed out the pros and cons of telling her, the cons won, that made that decision for him, he would probably end up waiting until the last possible moment until he told her.
Ring now?
He text Karen, hoping she’d reply quickly. She did. In fact, she didn’t even reply, within 10 seconds of Chris hitting the send button, Bolero was ringing from his hand. He answered it immediately and they were chatting away, well Chris was, Karen for once could barely get a word in, Chris was telling her all about Jayne, how she’d definitely worked something out and that he didn’t want to tell her, but he knew he was going to do sometime soon, either that or she’d find out. Somehow he was going to have to stop her looking through his texts, and call log, etc. Normally both of them were so open with each other, it was going to be strange that suddenly Jayne wasn’t going to be allowed to look at his phone, he even changed the passcode, to Karen’s birthday so that Jayne would never guess.
After an hour and a half on the phone to Karen, he decided he’d best make his way back home, he was totally stumped on a story to tell Jayne, every good idea that had once been implanted into his brain disappeared the second he walked through that door. Jayne was sprawled across the sofa with her slippers and dressing gown on, her hair in a towel, she’d just got out the bath. The smell that hit Chris as soon as he walked into the lounge was the strawberry and vanilla scented soap from Jayne’s bath, it was his favourite smell of her. She had Chris’s camera in her hands and was scrolling through the photos on it, she looked as though she was examining each one carefully.
“Hi darling,” he said as he took off his coat and shoes, lifted up her legs and squashed onto the couch next to her, her legs draped over his lap.
“You decided to come home then,” she muttered half heartedly.
“Course I did baby, I’m sorry for leaving you after I just got back, I just needed to sort something out okay? But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.” He still couldn’t get his head around the fact he was going to leave her, he loved Karen yes and he wanted to go and be with her, but he still loved Jayne and he didn’t want to leave her, it broke his heart to be doing so. He tried not to show his emotion in front of Jayne though, he realised it wouldn’t have mattered too much considering that she didn’t seem to want to pay much attention to him at all, she certainly knew something, but he couldn’t work out what clues he might have left around. The pair of them found a film to watch on tv and snuggled up closely, Chris had his arm around Jayne and she was leaning on him. Half way through Chris’s phone began to vibrate and he instantly knew it was going to be Karen, he could have himself a dilemma.
“Who’s that calling you at this time?” Jayne said moving slightly.
“Oh probably just one of these spam things,” he said and half pulled the phone out his pocket at an angle so that Jayne couldn’t see Karen’s picture flashing up on the screen, and clicked decline before tucking it back in his pocket. He hoped that Jayne wouldn’t see the look of guilt all over his face, and went back to watching the film, running his fingers through her long blonde curly hair. Half an hour later the phone rang again and he declined again, wondering why Karen hadn’t got the picture that he couldn’t talk. A third time right near the end of the film and Jayne had nodded off anyway so he carefully shifted himself out from underneath Jayne and went up to the bedroom to take the call, whispering just in case Jayne happened to come up. Karen didn’t want anything in particular, she just said that she missed him, even though they’d only had a weekend together, she missed him. They had a quick 60 second chat filled with mostly ‘ok I have to go now’ ‘s from Chris, and ‘I love you’s and ‘goodbye, goodnight, sleep well’ s and they must have said goodbye about 50 times before they both hung up the phone. Chris left it on his bedside table and went downstairs to get Jayne, the film was just rolling through the credits, he turned everything off and carried his ice princess up to bed, wondering how many more times he’d do it before their relationship was ripped apart.
"Jayne I'm going to go down to the rink for a bit if that's alright," Chris announced the next morning. It was 9am and he was up and ready to go, he'd escaped the bed early while Jayne was still sleeping. He thought about just sneaking out and leaving her for good, but he really couldn't do it. He didn't want to wreck every chance he had with her, he still couldn't really get his head around what was happening; it was so surreal. It'd taken him and Jayne so long to get together, he didn't want to risk loosing their friendship as well as their love life. But every second he spent talking to Karen, he ended up more torn between the two of them. It was a huge decision and it wasn't something he could make his mind up over overnight, it was going to take time. And in that time he'd have Karen on one end trying to persuade him to move in with her, and god knows whatever else she had planned, and then there'd be Jayne on the other end, who was so perfect to him, she could do no wrong... It was an impossible choice.
"Of course it's alright, since when do you ask permission from me to go out?" Jayne chuckled feeling curious again, but she didn't think anything of it really, she just brushed it away and decided it was nothing, she was looking too deeply into things.
Chris drove off to the rink, slipping into his thought mode, it wasn't usually a good place to be. He'd fantasize about things he knew he could never have, and then think deeply about all sorts, sometimes he'd end up scaring himself through his own thought patterns. The sun shone through the window of the car, and he opened the window to let in the cool breeze, it was the middle of July and the UK was getting it's few weeks of summer. It didn't take long to get to the rink, they lived in Nottingham about a five minute's drive away. Taking his skates from the passenger seat beside him and hooking them over his shoulder, he climbed out the car and glanced at his watch as he approached the entrance. He had just over an hour before the rink opened to the public, that would be just enough time to clear his head a bit, and ring Karen. He tucked his phone into his left pocket and ignored it for a while, skating round effortlessly, switching from forwards to backwards and back again as he pleased. The rink was practically empty except a few other figure skaters, there was a couple practising routines and a few trying their hardest to nail their new jumps and spins they'd been confronted with. After skating around by himself for almost an hour, he was in a good enough mind set to speak to Karen, and maybe try and make a proper informed decision about exactly what he was going to do. He'd already decided he wanted to be with Karen, but it was just a case of how, and when, how he could possible build up enough courage to walk out and leave Jayne. It was going to be so hard. He'd decided that if him and Jayne were meant to be, it would've happened long before it did, they wouldn't have waited so long if it was meant to last. This is what he told himself over and over, as if it was going to be engraved into his mind. But he did still have the issue of how it was all going to unfold. He was still thinking about it as he tapped Karen's name in and dialled the number, still skating round as he did, and made his way over to the corner of the rink where he wouldn't be in anyone's way. He'd not lifted his head the whole time, he wanted to be ignored, not recognised. But now as he looked around he gave the skaters smiles and little waves as they went past where he was standing.
"Karen? Hi! I'm at the rink," ... "Yes I'm okay, you?"
They made small talk for about 10 minutes before it turned rapidly into a heart to heart. Chris took off again gradually picking up speed as he made his way around, not letting anyone able to listen to the conversation for more than a couple of seconds as they passed.
"I just don't know what to do though Karen, I want you, I want to be with you badly, I want to see you again.. But I don't know how to do that to Jayne. We're Torvill and Dean for christ's sake, I'm not messing that up, for me or her, and the fans. I know it sounds stupid but its true, I don't want to throw anything way like that," he explained. Karen tried to understand, she really did. Part of her knew where he was coming from, she'd left Nicky all those years ago, and that wasn't easy, so she knew what he was going through. But Karen was only young in her situation, this was different, it needed more thought.
"I'm sorry..." Karen apologised, she didn't really know what she was apologising for, everything she supposed. For going back into his life and wrecking his relationship? She didn't know what to say to him. "Look, Chris. This doesn't have to happen all at once in a big rush, it really doesn't have to be like that at all. We have time, it doesn't have to be quick. It doesn't even have to happen at all, much as I'd love it to, I can tell you're not finished with Jayne, you still love her, a lot. And not just as a skating partner." It was hard for Karen to get the words out, but she knew deep down it was the right thing to say. However much her heart wanted her to have that relationship, her head was telling her to slow down and give it a rest.
"I do still love her..." Chris mused over the words for a few seconds before continuing. "But I love you too, oh my god this is so confusing... I just don't know what to do! Can I just have you both?" He laughed, trying to lighten the mood a little. There was silence for a few seconds while neither of them really knew what to say. Both their hearts were sinking, they were miles apart. Karen was sad and lonely, she had her girls but she needed a man in her life. Chris was happy in his relationship, but now all he could feel when he was with Jayne was guilt and all he could think about was Karen.
He couldn't stay on the phone much longer after that, it was time for him to leave the rink before it all got far too hectic with the large crowds of the public coming in to skate. He said goodbye to Karen and tucked his phone into his pocket before getting off the ice. He spent around 10 minutes cleaning the blades until they were shiny, tied the laces together and slung them over his shoulder again and made his way back to the car. The whole journey home he thought about Karen again, he had feelings he didn't know how to control, he didn't know to cope with it all and he hadn't a clue what to do, the one person he'd always shared all his problems with was Jayne, and clearly that couldn't happen this time.
Before he got out the car he took the biggest deep breath, he had to wipe every inch of guilt and push it far, far away. It was harder than it seemed. But then he thought, well what if he didn't hide it? What if he just purposefully let Jayne find out? No. He couldn't do it, he couldn't do that to her. It was all too confusing, he had too many options and didn't know what to pick, it should have been so much simpler but it wasn't, it was an impossible choice.
Slowly he got out the car, went inside the house to see Jayne looking through his camera again. He still needed time alone, so he went to go and spend some time in the mini gym in the back room, then went to take a shower. Jayne was suspicious, she could sense him becoming distant from her, and it wasn't like him. He'd not spoke to her since he got back from the rink, and she couldn't work out why. His phone was on the table, messages were coming through every 20 minutes or so, Jayne was very tempted to look, and maybe have a read through, but part of her was scared to. Scared of what she might find, did she really want to know what was on that phone? What was distracting Chris since he'd come back? She wasn't sure.
